Maladie De Coeur

The clock is pointing at 01.00 am and here i am still widely awake. Can't sleep yet. Think it's probably my green tea latte keep me this way. I've been thinking so much lately and well, when was the time i didn't think? I'm thinking all the time, that's how my brain works. It won't stop, just like the ticking clock.
I was about to touched 13 when they had their quarrel on Sunday early morning. That was my very first time and last to saw them argued while i was like a midget watching my both hand being contested so hardly. Dad was holding my right wrist and mom was on the right. I just stood there between the two adults, crying desperately, didn't really understand about the problem. It was quite stunned for a young little girl to watched over the situation there. It was my very first shocking therapy for girl at my age.
Dad conceded,ultimately. Mom scored off. As soon as dad left, she easily made me stopped crying and euthanized me on my bunk as if nothing happened that day.
I felt like dreaming, at one blast felt sad and had a large amount of fear within. I thought it was just a nightmare and supposed to be gone by the time i opened up my eyes. But in fact, it was even worst than nightmare. Life had forced me to grew up in my younger age.
I began to had some blackout after it. I would named it as a heart disease. The one that won't stop bleeding inside, the rusty one. I was quite frustated to witnessed about their worthless and loveless relationship. A broken child who felt homeless. But however i was smart enough to figured a way to kept them living apart. So i made some trouble at school. I remember when i dangerously failed my subjects so both of them inevitably must came to met the principal and starting to be more concerned about their daughter. I intentionally did silly things just to had their attention. What a miserable way to brought them up when things didn't work out. But it still didn't work at all. Even a suicide thing crossed my mind but somehow i didn't have guts for it. I'm not quite sure what made me went through those times.
And time goes by, here i am, walking down my path, trying not to give up on life. Maybe i will never understand, maybe i don't want to understand. I'll just live it that way. I believe that time will tell. Perhaps..